Scientists: Deal with Climate. Conservatives: Audit the Temperatures

June 30, 2021

Yes, it’s satire.

Alexandra Petri in the Washington Post:

Right now, the temperatures are bad. Much too high, very dangerous! 106 degrees Fahrenheit in Seattle? 116 in Portland? Breaking records? Breaking sidewalks? This is not what America needs. Fortunately, there is something we can do: Take prompt and decisive action on climate change on a national scale, although this may already be the new normal. Hire a charlatan to tell us that things are actually the way we would like them to be!

It is time we did an audit of the temperature. Something must be wrong with all the thermometers that is making them display these heinous numbers. Likewise, the eggs are all colluding somehow to cook when placed on a pan on the hot pavement. This kind of conspiracy between Big Egg and Big Thermometer is not unheard of and must be halted. We had better hire someone who understands what temperature it ought to be and is willing to massage the numbers until they get there.

Look, if there is one thing we learned from the last while, it is that if you look at a map and do not like the color that the map is, you can alter it using force of will alone. If the map is too red (with heat) or not red enough (with votes), you simply need to find someone who believes that this can change, and then you can change it.

Most things in reality, we have discovered, are subject to our whims. If something is wrong, we need only decide that it isn’t, and if we can get enough people to post on Facebook supporting this view, we can probably wriggle out of it. Why should the weather be any different than any element of civic life? Why should it be so harsh and contumaciously insistent on its own reality? The answer is simple: It shouldn’t! Get some auditors in and fix it, please, before it gets any hotter!

This so-called “heat dome” seems extremely suspect and is driving temperatures up artificially, when they should be in the balmy 70s or, at most, the sweltering 90s. These thermometer readings are clearly skewed in some way, no doubt because of the indoctrination of our children in schools where they are taught that human actions can impact the planet’s climate. Altering the temperatures is just a quick fix; to truly help future generations put this problem out of mind, we must change what children are taught about heat and the planet.

Why should it be 113 degrees when it could simply … not be? Once we adjust the temperatures and harass our local weathermen appropriately, I am sure they will stop telling us these awful things. Instead of 118, which seems very high, they will pick a nice, lower number, like 72, which will make everyone happy and help us to have faith in the forecast industry again.

Not Satire.

Michael Mann and Susan Hassol in the New York Times:

We’ve long known that a warming climate would yield more extremely hot weather. The science is clear on how human-caused climate change is already affecting heat waves: Global warming has caused them to be hotter, larger, longer and more frequent. What were once very rare events are becoming more common.

Heat waves now occur three times as often as they did in the 1960s — on average at least six times a year in the United States in the 2010s. Record-breaking hot months are occurring five times more often than would be expected without global warming. And heat waves have become larger, affecting 25 percent more land area in the Northern Hemisphere than they did in 1980; including ocean areas, heat waves grew 50 percent.

One Response to “Scientists: Deal with Climate. Conservatives: Audit the Temperatures”

  1. dumboldguy Says:

    Alexandra Petri’s column is the first thing I read in the WashPost every Saturday morning. She is talented and funny—check her out.

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