The Onion: Warning to Homeowners

October 29, 2020

The Onion:

YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at the moment, but we humbly ask residents to just delay any inessential home improvement projects until firefighters have extinguished the wildfires currently blazing through your estates,” said Orange County fire marshal Lori Smith, adding that it was making firefighters’ jobs more difficult when they were competing for room with construction workers erecting a sauna.

“The nature of the fast-moving Silverado and Blue Ridge wildfires means that more than likely, that fourth floor you’re adding might end up getting destroyed by a blaze, and you’d just have to start over. We recommend waiting until the fires have at least subsided into smoldering embers before continuing construction on the sunroom or fitness center, and we pledge to let you know as soon as your guest wing project can resume. In the meantime, if you must continue building a patio or gazebo, we recommend stone materials, as these will work best in the face of the flames currently moving through your properties.” Orange County officials added that they had already secured millions of dollars in emergency funding from California to allow local residents to build their third dream homes after the fire was extinguished.


8 Responses to “The Onion: Warning to Homeowners”

  1. Charles Haggerty Says:

    There are none so blind as those who will not see !

  2. grindupbaker Says:

    Nuts ! A breezeway, infinity pool, expanded servants’ quarters & spa for my kid’s pony were my next 4 building projects for my house. It’s just one damn thing after another isn’t it ?

  3. Keith McClary Says:

    Wood frame construction is extremely flammable before it has gypsum board and fiberglass insulation.

    (Oh, I didn’t notice it’s The Onion. When I read it, I thought it was a sarcastic fire marshal.)

  4. redskylite Says:

    Surely not everyone is stinking rich in California – there must be ordinary families who have lost everything, apart from future health problems from the particles. Not sure if reading the Onion would make them feel jovial about it all.


    “Climate Change Is Central to California’s Wildfires
    Conservative pundits who tout land management as the main issue fail to see the big picture

    As the toll from California’s wildfires grows higher year after year, the state’s future appears fiery and hazy with smoke. For conservative columnists like Ben Shapiro, Niall Ferguson and Tyler O’Neil, it’s clear who is responsible: California Democrats. In recent opinion pieces, they acknowledge that climate change might play a role in these fires, but they blame Democratic leadership for exacerbating fuel buildups through poor land management. As proof, they reference a study from early this year in Nature Sustainability.

    We wrote that study. These columnists are wrong.

    Their opinion pieces represent a dangerous form of climate denialism, one that recognizes the value of climate adaptation—adapting to life under a changing climate—but purposefully misdirects by refusing to acknowledge the critical importance of limiting the amount of future climate change.”

    • rhymeswithgoalie Says:

      The Onion’s job is hard enough when the most bizarre thing they can think of is topped by some idiot elected official or appointed partisan nut the next day.

  5. redskylite Says:

    Sorry for the sombre mood on this onion piece – but yes ordinary folks have lost a lifetime of dreams.


    ‘It’s completely burned’: Napa family of 6 homeless after Glass Fire destroyed their home
    19 years of memories have now turned into ashes. Catalina Velazquez describes it as their biggest nightmare.

  6. redskylite Says:

    and a scary future looms for California and Australia too.


    Bushfire inquiry says Australia must prepare for ‘alarming outlook’

    It also reiterated that climate change had exacerbated the extreme conditions which caused the fires, but that future projections were more grim.

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