Tesla: Best Bet for Surviving Zombie Apocalypse

May 5, 2016

You’re welcome. More on this below.

I posted not long ago on an item in Bloomberg News about the possibility of an Electric Vehicle Paradigm shift:

Even amid low gasoline prices last year, electric car sales jumped 60 percent worldwide. If that level of growth continues, the crash-triggering benchmark of 2 million barrels of reduced demand could come as early as 2023. That’s a crisis. The timing of new technologies is difficult to predict, but it may not be long before it becomes impossible to ignore.

Now there’s more.


Tesla just took the most ambitious automotive production timeline since the Ford Model T and moved it up two years.

The company now plans to produce 500,000 electric cars every year starting in 2018. That’s 10 times the number of vehicles it produced in 2015, and enough to ensure that all 400,000 customers who put down a $1,000 deposit on the forthcoming Model 3 will qualify for a significant U.S. subsidy.

Talk about doubling down—even the original 2020 goal was considered a long shot by Wall Street. This new target would pledge the carmaker to a faster production growth rate than Ford Motor Co. managed in the early 1900s. That’s when Henry Ford pioneered the production line with the Model T, the first mass market combustion-driven car.

A century later, Tesla Chief Executive Officer Elon Musk wants the Model 3 to be its electric grandchild. He’s now aiming for close to a million sales by 2020.

“My desk is at the end of the production line,” Musk said in an earnings conference call on Wednesday. “The whole team is super-focused.”

Musk’s enthusiasm aside, skeptics say his planned ramp-up is unattainable in the modern era. If Tesla can succeed—and even Musk admits that it’s a tough goal—it would be a tectonic shift for the global electric-vehicle market, just like the Model T was for the combustion engine.


Preppers are gonna prep, and doomsayers are gonna preach about Armageddon. If you’re one of those folks who believes that an SHTF (Shit Hits The Fan) event is right around the corner, you might consider a fully electric SUV like the Tesla Model X as a hedge against impending disaster. Whether it’s a government meltdown, a viral epidemic, and/or zombie apocalypse, here are five reasons the Tesla Model X is the best car to own when civilization breaks down.

#5) It’s Powered by the Sun (or the Wind)

The Tesla Model X features a 100% electric drivetrain and high-capacity lithium-ion battery packs. So even if the electrical grid fails and gas stations shut down, you’ll be able to charge up your Tesla Model X right in your compound from solar panels or wind turbines. Sure, it might take a really large solar panel system to get enough juice for a full 250-mile range charge, but you’ll need that anyway to power the hair dryers for your wives and daughters. Be sure to pick up a few Tesla Powerwalls  so you can keep the lights (and the hair dryers) on at night and during those chilly winters.

#4) 5,000 Pounds of Towing Capacity Makes Supply Runs a Breeze

Without an internal combustion engine taking up the whole front of your car, the Model X has plenty of space for Bug-Out-Bags in its spacious frunk (front trunk). But even with the Model X’s overall rated storage capacity of 77 cubic feet, there are times you’re going to need to haul more gear, and that’s where a trailer will come in handy. As the first fully electric SUV with decent towing capacity, the Model X can haul a whole lot of essentials. Whether that’s guns and ammo, cinder blocks to shore up your defenses, or just a shitload of beef jerky, you’ll be glad you can haul around a couple of tons worth of gear and supplies without ripping the seats in your vegan-friendly, luxuriously supple, non-leather interior.

#3) 0–60 in 3.2 Seconds: Outrun the Competition

Face it: in an SHTF scenario, there’s going to be a lot of competition for limited resources. You’re gonna want to get in and out of wherever you’re going quickly. And with the Ludicrous Speed–equipped Model X P90D’s top speed of 155 miles per hour, 713 lb-ft of instant torque, 503 horsepower to the rear motor and 259 horsepower to the front, you’ll be ready to roll. The Model X won’t just leave the walking dead in the dust; it will also outrun those opportunistic scavengers who want what you’ve got. And long-term battery studies on the Roadster and Model S suggest that you’ll still have plenty of range after many years of use and many thousands of miles traveled. So you’ll be able to get around just fine as you wait for society to recover.

#2) Dual-Motor All-Wheel Drive Makes Off-Roading a Breeze

In the post-apocalyptic future, highway maintenance will be one of the first things to fall by the wayside. With fully independent front and rear high-torque electric motors, and user-adjustable air suspension height, the Model X should be able to get around road hazards and sloppy conditions with ease. Just be sure to opt for the base 20-inch wheels and pick up some winter tires and chains if you’re hunkering down in the great white north. Those upgraded 22-inch rims and Z-rated performance tires might work well on the track but they won’t do you much good on those choked up pothole-ridden post-apocalyptic roadways.


#1) Bio-Weapon Defense Mode Keeps Your Cabin Air Fresh and Clean

Even Tesla seems to think that our future may not be so rosy, or at least that situations may arise where the air conditions outside may not be up to snuff. So they’ve built a powerful HEPA air filter into the Model X that can reportedly withstand a military-grade bio-weapon attack. Just be sure to roll up those windows tight, kiddies, and opt for the “Premium Upgrades Package” (required in order to get the HEPA filter). This so-called Bio-Weapon Defense Mode is said to capture all manner of particulate matter and gaseous pollutants in the air, including most bacteria, viruses, pollen, and mold spores. It’s so powerful it actually cleans the air outside the car too (though doing that for your whole bunker may take a while). So while the rest of the world is dropping like flies, you can kick back and relax. You can find out more about Bio-Weapon Defense Mode in Tesla’s blog post.



5 Responses to “Tesla: Best Bet for Surviving Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. Robert Mayle Says:

    Absolutely unnecessary scare video

    • dumboldguy Says:

      Not really, since this whole post is mainly satire and meant to entertain—-a little “scream” and or “shock” is de rigueur these days. Got my attention, and it was good to then be brought down from the scare by all the humor that followed and left me chuckling.

      Musk’s plan to produce 500,000 cars a year by 2018 is the big laugher here, and I will do my share by stating that if we should ever get to the apocalypse, I will personally guarantee that any Tesla that is driven within range of my weapons will be rendered seriously inoperable. I will do that as a statement about how we allowed ourselves to be distracted by bright-sidedness while the planet died.

  2. Urpo Taskinen Says:

    I made a comment on the Bloomberg Business Video, but it might also work here:

    I had two cars. Sold them both. Now I have done the change since two years back. My new “car” does not need oil. It needs a tiny amount of electricity for the lights. No emissions from the “car”. I have done some really long trips also, maybe the most notable is that I went to Paris for the COP21 – from north of Sweden.

    On average a person living in my part of Sweden, the Norrbotten county, travels 7580 kilometers with car every year. During the two years I have had this “car” I have done 15.000 kilometers total, that is 7500 kilometers per year.

    Check the photo – before and after. Change is possible. https://lessco2.wordpress.com/2016/02/16/change-is-possible/

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